You Really Can’t ‘Fix’ Other People—Here’s How to Make Peace With That

All products are independently selected by our editors. If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission.

There’s one line in Grey’s Anatomy that’s always stuck with me: “I’m a fixer. I fix things.” It pretty much sums up why I’ve stayed in toxic relationships longer than I should’ve, convinced I could transform a jerk into the misunderstood hero you’d only find in a rom-com. Or why, instead of leaving so-called friends who used their rough childhoods as an excuse to exclude me, I found myself focused on healing their inner child.

The urge to change someone for the better might seem like the right thing to do…or at least a better option than abandoning a struggling or challenging person entirely. But if you’re always drawn to “saving” others, just know this habit can often do more harm than good—to you and them, Adia Gooden, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Chicago, tells SELF.

No one’s saying you’re terrible for wanting to lend a hand—far from it. In fact, many fall into this pattern for a variety of deeply human reasons, often rooted in empathy, love, and past experiences. “Some people may have also been raised in environments where they were conditioned to be ‘rescuers,’” Natalie Gutiérrez, LMFT, author of The Pain We Carry: Healing from Complex PTSD for People of Color, tells SELF. Think: a person who had to play mediator in a home filled with conflict, or someone who, from a young age, was a caregiver for a sick family member. This dynamic especially holds true for women of color, who according to Gutiérrez, are often “expected to be more selfless, which could lead them to stay in unhealthy or even abusive relationships with the hope of changing others.”

Regardless of why this habit comes up, though, it’s one worth breaking.

What’s so wrong with “fixing” the people around you?

Well, for one, the fix-it mentality implies that someone is broken—which is not a super empathetic or productive way to think about our fellow human beings, Dr. Gooden points out. But whether or not you think of it as fixing their “brokenness,” the bigger issue is that it’s not your responsibility to change others. Sure, you can support and empathize with loved ones who act out because they’re hurting inside. But only they can decide to address their issues, both experts say—whether it’s owning up to their harmful behaviors, practicing healthy communication skills, or finally trying therapy to work through unresolved trauma.

If anything, a savior complex could make the situation you’re trying to improve worse. According to Gutiérrez, constantly forgiving or making excuses for someone’s inconsiderate (or downright shitty) habits—even if it stems from pain—sends subtle messages like, You don’t need to take responsibility, because I’ll handle it for you. Or, I’ll always be here, no matter how you treat me.

“Eventually, this can create a codependent dynamic where you’re enabling another person’s bad behavior and falsely believing you can control them,” Dr. Gooden says. Take a pal who struggles to keep a stable job, for instance: If you’re always offering money or sending available listings, it makes sense they might rely on you instead of shouldering the hard, inner work themselves.

That’s all without getting into how being a “fixer” can hurt your well-being too, Dr. Gooden says. Over time, you’ll probably be exhausted and frustrated, especially when you’re giving advice that’s clearly being ignored or putting in lots of effort yet…still being treated like crap. “All that emotional investment can lead to frustration and even resentment,” she adds. That’s definitely not the kind of healthy, balanced relationship you deserve.

How to let go of the need to “save” people

It’s easy to think that understanding where someone’s hurtful actions come from means you have to accept them. Sure, my partner snaps all the time, but that’s not their fault since they grew up in that environment. Yeah, my childhood bestie constantly puts me down, but that’s only because they’re insecure—I should reassure them.

Instead of banking on the hope that this person will someday, maybe, eventually become “better” with your support, it’s more worthwhile to shift the focus back to yourself. What do you need to feel respected and valued in this relationship? You can also reflect on why this instinct is overpowering you (and a solid therapist can guide you to that answer): Maybe you’re focusing on someone else’s “problems” to avoid addressing your own. Or you’re chasing the sweet validation that comes with doing the impossible and miraculously unlocking a struggling person’s full potential.

From there, you can decide how to draw limits, adjust your expectations, or even step away if necessary. “You get to choose what kinds of behaviors you will and won’t tolerate,” Dr. Gooden says. “And setting boundaries can be an important way to communicate that.”

If you’re determined to move forward in the relationship, try acknowledging their pain—without giving them a free pass to treat you poorly. This might look like saying something like, “I understand you’re stressed, but I won’t tolerate being snapped at or insulted.” Or letting them know you’re there for them—as long as they’re willing to put in effort too. (“Can we talk about steps you’re taking to work through your trust issues? I don’t think it’s fair when you go through my phone and accuse me of things I haven’t done.”)

Basically, the goal is to show them you understand they’re hurting—but that doesn’t mean they get to hurt you in return. As long as you express your limits kindly and assertively, these conversations can be the push your loved one needs to finally change…or inspiration for you to reevaluate whether this exhausting one-sided relationship is even worth saving. Again, prioritizing your mental health isn’t selfish, both experts agree. Sometimes, the best thing you can do to encourage growth, healing, and happiness—for everyone involved—is knowing when to step back and let go.