What Is Surrogate Partner Therapy? ‘Sexual Surrogates,’ Explained

TALK THERAPY CAN be an important, often essential piece of the healing puzzle—but when chatting no longer cuts it, a therapeutic modality that involves physical contact might be in order. Enter: Surrogate partner therapy.

“Surrogate work brings the body into the conversation,” says Court Vox, a surrogate partner who has been practicing since 2019 and is certified by The International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA), the most prominent professional association for surrogate partners in the United States of America, as well as the founder of The Bodyvox. By adding in elements of touch, “surrogate partner therapy gives clients the opportunity to experience relational intimacy first hand rather than just discussing,” he explains.

Intrigued? Read on for an in-depth guide on what this healing method entails, how it works, and who it is for—plus, how it differs from sex therapy and sex work.

What is surrogate partner therapy?

Surrogate partner therapy (SPT) marries talk and touch.“It’s a therapeutic modality where a trained and certified surrogate works alongside a licensed therapist to support a client by blending talk therapy with somatic (body-based) learning,” explains Vox. Also called sexual surrogate therapy, or surrogate-assisted therapy, the idea behind surrogate partnership is that, sometimes, there is only so much progress an individual can make in issues related to body confidence, sexual self-esteem, sexual trauma, and shame by talking. So, when a traditional talk therapist has reached a plateau with someone—or otherwise thinks tactile care would support a client’s healing—they might, with the client’s consent, call on the assistant of a surrogate partner.

Surrogate partner therapy is a three-way therapeutic relationship between the talk therapist, the surrogate, and the client. (Vox calls it a triadic model of care.) But the sessions themselves are not a three-person assembly. Rather, the helping professionals work together to create a structured, intentional plan about the kind of work each will do with the client one-on-one to help them grow in areas of intimacy, connection, physicality, and more, says Vox.

“The surrogate provides opportunities for experiential learning for the client, which the client then processes with the therapist,” he explains. “The therapist and surrogate also connect between surrogacy sessions to support one another in providing the best care possible for the client.”

What happens during surrogate partner sessions?

Let’s get this misconception out of the way from the jump: “Surrogate work isn’t just about sex,” says Vox. “While that can be part of it sometimes, many sessions don’t even involve nudity,” he says.

Exactly what goes down during a surrogate partner session varies, as every client is unique, says Vox. But most follow a similar progression.

During the initial sessions, the client and surrogate will work together to develop a set of boundaries and agreements that honor where they are both at currently, what’s a hard no, and what the client might have curiosity about exploring, he says. After that, the heart of a session could include grounding, body scanning, non-verbal communication, eye gazing, nurturing but non-sexual skin-to-skin, or caring caresses, says Vox.

“Over time, we may introduce more intimate exercises, such as cuddling, guided touch, sensual connection, sensation exploration, and eventually erotic exploration—if it serves the client’s therapeutic goals,” he says. Importantly, no matter the specific sensual or sexual act that’s at play, there is a lot of pausing, reflecting, and adjusting. “The experience is one of deep listening, expansion, and self-discovery rather than pressure or performance,” he says.

Each session ends with some kind of closing exercise or ceremony. “This is a crucial part of every session as we never just open things up and leave someone hanging,” says Vox. “It usually includes verbal processing, breath, more grounding, and sometimes guided self-reflection exercises for the client to take home.”

How long do surrogate partner therapy sessions last?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to how long the therapeutic relationship between the surrogate and client lasts. Typically, the duration is decided between the surrogate partner and the therapist, says Vox. Some clients meet their goals after several sessions and stop coming after that. Others come once to twice monthly for one to two years and sometimes longer.

Importantly, “the goal is for all clients to eventually gain the skills, confidence, and self-awareness to take what they’ve learned into their lives to create and maintain personal relationships of their own and graduate from surrogate partner therapy,” says Vox. “Following the final goodbyes, the surrogate and client do not have contact with one another again. This is part of the arc that mimics a real life relationship ending, and both parties moving forward,” he says. (FYI: Most people continue seeing their talk therapist even after concluding their work with the surrogate partner therapist.)

Who can surrogate partner therapy benefit?

Anyone who feels blocked in their ability to connect intimately, sensually, or sexually—and experiences distress or reduced quality of life as a result—and who is currently in psychotherapy or sex therapy could benefit from working with a surrogate partner. People who feel disconnected from their bodies or who have a history of sexual or emotional trauma, abuse, performance anxiety, and genital pain are common candidates, according to Vox.

Potential clients also include people who have never made their sexual debut, he says. “Latent virgins who have never had an erotic or sexual experience and who find that this is keeping them from entering into the romantic and sexual partnerships they desire could benefit,” he says. Those who have had lapses—of three, seven, 30 years—in their erotic lives and who want to come back into connection, but feel daunted by how foreign touch now feels can benefit, too, he says. For both, a surrogate can offer guidance and patience as these folks become (re)acquainted with the joys of physical and sexual intimacy.

Surrogate clients also include people who do not have easy access to sexual and erotic partners due to things such as sexual, emotional, or physical disabilities or differences, says Vox. Or who feel apprehensive about connecting with people in real life due to those differences. This might include someone who hasn’t had sex since becoming paralyzed, going through chemotherapy, having testicle cancer or testicular removal, or otherwise having their body or ability altered due to a medical condition, scarring, or accident.

How is it different from hiring a sex therapist or sex worker?

Working with a surrogate partner therapist, seeing a sex therapist, and hiring a sex worker can all be part of someone’s journey—but the way the three function and their benefits are all unique.

Sex therapy is, more or less, the same as talk therapy. Sex therapists are psychotherapists with additional training that makes them expertly trained on matters of sexual health and well-being. So, a sex therapist can be helpful to anyone who wants to learn more about certain sexual and relational practices (like kink or non-monogamy), chew through the issues in their personal sex life or relationship, or be given exercises to improve sexual confidence, desire discrepancy, pleasure, and connection at home.

Just like talk therapists, however, a sex therapist keeps their clients at arm’s length (literally). In the event that a sex therapist decides that touch might be a helpful addendum to the sessions, they might float the idea of surrogate partner therapy to their client.

“Sex work, while valuable in its own right, also serves a different function from surrogate partner therapy,” says Vox. “Sex workers provide services—pleasure, companionship, exploration—on a more transactional level,” he says. It would also be unheard of for a sex worker to contact the client’s therapist afterward to debrief. Surrogate partner therapy, however, is always done in collaboration with a therapist, he says.

Additionally, the primary objective behind working with a surrogate isn’t just to have a sexual experience but to learn emotional, psychological, and physical skills that they can take out into the world, says Vox. While the goal of a particular sex work session can take place in a couple of minutes or hours, “the type of work done during surrogate partner therapy is fairly slow and steady,” he says. SPT isn’t meant to be an indefinite part of someone’s life but the process generally takes multiple sessions and months.

How to find a surrogate partner therapist?

Remember: A surrogate cannot be your sole healing professional. “Surrogate partner therapy is always done in collaboration with a licensed therapist,” says Vox.

If you think a surrogate partner therapist could lend a helpful hand to your process of self love and discover, talk to your current sex or talk therapist. If they agree, they will contact their local network of surrogates—or an expert in the with The International Professional Surrogates Association directory—on your behalf.