What Is ‘Micro-Cheating,’ Exactly?

All products are independently selected by our editors. If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission.

It seems like every other day, there’s a new term to describe the ways relationships can go wrong. The latest buzzword taking over my feed: “micro-cheating.” Like, not only do we need to worry about full-blown infidelity, but now we have to overthink whether seemingly small actions like social media likes or casual flirting are actually major betrayals? Exhausting. (Never am I more relieved to be single than when I’m scrolling TikTok.)

But like these trendy terms often do, micro-cheating “gives us language to conceptualize relationship issues that may be harder to talk about,” Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, a couples therapist and author of ‘Til Stress Do Us Part, tells SELF. “Whatever you call it, there are a lot of ways to violate boundaries outside of what’s commonly understood as cheating.” That includes, yep, plenty of breaches of trust that people on your FYP are labeling micro-cheating as we speak, from talking to an ex to mindlessly swiping on dating apps for “fun.”

So what does micro-cheating look like—and is it something you should actually be looking out for? Here’s what the relationship experts we spoke with had to say about where these seemingly small betrayals fit into other forms of cheating.

What exactly is micro-cheating?

There isn’t one clear-cut definition of micro-cheating, but dating coach Melanie Schilling, who’s credited with bringing the term into the spotlight, described it to HuffPost Australia in 2src17 as “a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship.” The examples she gave at the time were largely digital—following, liking, commenting, DM-sliding, and otherwise signaling availability and interest to someone other than your partner online.

Since then, people have started applying the term to all sorts of sketchy, annoying, and potentially inappropriate behaviors, like flirty conversations with coworkers, physical intimacy with friends, and late-night meetings your significant other doesn’t know about. Some viral takes on what constitutes not-quite-infidelity sound suspiciously like classic emotional affairs. But before we try to settle the specifics, here’s the thing: We all have unique physical and emotional boundaries, so we’re all going to define micro-cheating differently too.

“Ultimately, examples of micro-cheating really depend on what you and your partner have agreed upon as the ‘rules’ of your relationship,” Abby Medcalf, PhD, a clinical psychologist and host of the podcast Relationships Made Easy, tells SELF. Once you’ve established…well, macro-cheating—Dr. Medcalf recommends starting with a clear conversation about what cheating means to each of you and building from there—you can better identify how you or your partner might push those defined boundaries without fully crossing them. (Maybe you’re fine with your spouse watching porn—but you’re a lot less cool with discovering they’re someone’s top supporter on OnlyFans.)

All that said, Dr. Medcalf and Earnshaw both advise against getting in the weeds about which individual behaviors “count” as micro-cheating. Instead, they suggest focusing on feelings—whether you’re approaching your SO about how their actions make you feel or asking yourself how your partner might feel if you acted a certain way. “Most people have an instinct about what crosses a line in their relationship,” Earnshaw says.

But is micro-cheating really so bad?

You might wonder: In the grand scheme of things, is liking a random thirst trap, replying to a flirty message, or reconnecting with an ex really that big of a deal? Well, first of all, it might not be—plenty of people would be fine with their partner doing any of the above. But pay attention if you feel the need to hide what you’re doing or find loopholes to justify it.

“If the thought of your partner noticing or knowing about what you’re doing makes you uncomfortable or worried, that’s a clear red flag,” Dr. Medcalf says, because secrecy suggests you’re aware it might hurt them and have decided it’s worth moving forward anyway. Not an awesome sign of love or respect there, bud.

Earnshaw warns that another danger of mini infidelities lies in how they can “drain resources” from your current relationship by redirecting emotional energy or physical attention toward someone besides your boo. “These little micro-cheating behaviors might not seem like a big deal at first, but they can build up, weaken trust, and make a partner feel overlooked,” she says. Plus, if you view cheating on a micro-to-macro spectrum, you can imagine how easy it is to slide from one end to the other. “Most big betrayals, whether that’s physical or emotional cheating, are built on little micro-cheating moments,” she adds.

All that’s to say, the harm isn’t so much about the impact of any single incident but the cumulative effect these behaviors can have. “Focusing solely on individual actions—whether they’re micro-cheating or not—can be a distraction from the real problem, which is often a lack of boundaries or an underlying trust issue,” Dr. Medcalf says. “Instead of debating whether micro-cheating is so bad, focus on the health of the relationship itself.”

As for what that looks like…

So…what if someone’s micro-cheating?

As you might imagine, classic healthy communication skills are your best friend. Whether your partner is doing something that feels like micro-cheating or you’re second-guessing your own actions, you want to approach the topic with curiosity and respect. Of course, it’s up to you whether your goal is to salvage the relationship—no one’s stopping you if you’re confident you want to break up! But assuming you’re open to staying together…

If you suspect your partner is micro-cheating

Micro-cheating doesn’t have to be a relationship ender, but it probably shouldn’t be the conversation starter either. “While the term might help you legitimize feelings and realize you’re not wrong to feel hurt, leading with it can risk your partner getting defensive,” Earnshaw says. “People just hear you calling them a cheater.”

So instead of accusing them of micro-cheating and derailing the conversation, you might try something like, “I noticed you’ve been commenting on a lot of X’s pictures and it’s making me feel a bit uneasy. Can we talk about what those comments mean to you?” or “My friend told me she came across your dating profile and it freaked me out. Can you help me understand why it’s still active?’”

And then really listen. “Just because it’s your preference that your partner doesn’t comment on these photos doesn’t mean it’s wrong that they do,” Dr. Medcalf says. “Approach the conversation with the point of view that they could change your mind.” You never know where it might lead—you could feel better when they explain that they see IG comments as a low-lift way to stay in touch with friends, they could apologize and drop the habit NBD, or the two of you could have an illuminating discussion on social media boundaries.

Or they could shut you down or dismiss your feelings. Pay attention to that too—because that’s more of a red flag than the micro-cheating itself. “This person is telling you that your needs aren’t as important as theirs,” Dr. Medcalf says.

If your partner accuses you of micro-cheating

It might hurt, but rather than jumping into defense mode, it’s important to try to understand where they’re coming from. “If someone brings a concern to you, remember that your role is to make them feel secure—even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective,” Earnshaw says. Starting with understanding and validation (with something like, “I didn’t realize you felt that way, and I’m glad you told me”) can help ease tension and set the stage for a productive conversation.

From there, you can work together to clarify boundaries and share your POVs. “For example, you can say, ‘Would it be helpful if I explained my perspective on what’s been happening in those text messages?’ or ‘Can I give you some more context on my weekly hikes with so-and-so?’” Earnshaw says. These conversations might just come down to affirming your affection for them, soothing their insecurities, and other versions of just talkin’ it out, she adds.

That said, it’s essential to stay open to the possibility of changing any behavior that’s making your partner uncomfortable—the same way you’d want them to consider it for you. Dr. Medcalf suggests asking yourself, “Why am I doing this? What am I getting from it?” She explains that we’re all motivated by self-interest to some degree—whether that’s wanting independence, affirmation, or connection. But in a committed relationship, she adds, we’re also called to make sacrifices and balance those selfish tendencies with genuinely caring about what our partner needs. So you gotta ask: Is it worth it?

As much as I wish we could give you a definitive list of dos and don’ts, micro-cheating can mean anything from accidentally crossing your partner’s boundaries to purposefully finding loopholes in clearly defined rules. But no matter what, if it’s on your mind, it’s probably time to talk things through. And hey, it might just be a chance to deepen your emotional connection—or hit the road before they start macro-cheating.