What Is ‘Kittenfishing’?

APPS ARE NOW one of—if not the most common—ways to meet a date, hookup, or partner, and that extends from Tinder and Hinge to everyday socials like Instagram. And with that rise in technology has come a whole plethora of new dating habits and slang, from love-bombing, to ghosting, to more serious offenders like catfishing.

Coined after the release of the 2010 documentary Catfish, the term refers to somebody who intentionally pretends to be somebody else in their online interactions, specifically in a romantic context. This can lead to all kinds of manipulation and even extortion, like the time a Kentucky mom thought she was sending money to a Stranger Things star.

But it turns out, there is a lesser degree of catfishing that a lot more people may be doing unknowingly: it’s called “kittenfishing.”

What is kittenfishing?

“Kittenfishing is considered a form of ‘less intense’ catfishing wherein you change certain details or hide certain things about your life/and appearance in order to seem ‘better’ to a potential partner,” explains Gigi Engle, ACS, a certified sex educator and resident intimacy expert at 3Fun. “You may also not feel confident about certain aspects of yourself and therefore choose not to share them on social media.”

This act of omission can be its own form of deception, says queer sex educator and journalist Gabrielle Kassel: “The most common way that people kittenfish is by using old photos of themselves that make them appear to be a different age, different body type, or different hair style than they have presently. Pretending to be a few years younger, that you use less (or more) substances than you actually do, lying about your height, misrepresenting your current employment status or career, or current place of living also qualifies as kittenfishing.”

Is kittenfishing that bad?

Engle is quick to clarify that there is a stark difference between catfishing and this more minor offense. “Catfishing is when you literally pretend to be a completely different person. In catfishing, there is usually some kind of con that in involved whether that be financial gain or emotional gain,” she says.

Most people who do this are acting “not out of malice, but out of a desire to be perceived as more desirable,” says Kassel, adding that societal pressures surrounding looks, money, and success can also be factors in them wanting to downplay certain aspects of their life.

“With that, while for the sake of safety it is important to make sure that you are not being catfished, it’s important to ask yourself why you care if you are being kittenfished,” she continues. “Why do you care if someone is two inches shorter than they say in their profile? Why do you care if someone weighs more than their photos suggest? Why do you care if someone has less hair on their head than their photos suggest? In these instances, it is possible that you have internalized Eurocentric beauty standards and would benefit from interrogating where those beliefs came from and how they may be interfering with your own ability to find a mate.”

How to avoid kittenfishing

While it may not be as serious—and potentially illegal—as catfishing, kittenfishing is not a recommended practice, no matter how tempting it can be to still use that photo of yourself looking tan and lean on vacation pre-2020, or to say you’re 6’2″ if you’re actually closer to 5’11”. When it comes to making a real connection with someone, honesty is still definitely the best policy.

Kassel advises taking a good look at your dating profile to make sure you’re presenting yourself as truthfully as possible. “If you are avoiding FaceTiming or meeting up in person out of fear of “not living up to” the image of yourself you’ve created online, that’s a sign that you could be kittenfishing,” she says.

Questions that might be worth asking as you look over your bio include: Are you honest about your drug and drinking habits? Do you accurately portray you education and work role? Did the answers you selected about your political believe align with your actual beliefs?

“We’d really do well to just embrace ourselves as we are,” says Engle. “Remember, starting out on apps with deception, even if there was no ill-intention, is not starting a new potential relationship from a place of authenticity. You want to be with someone who loves and accepts you: every part of you. We’re all just trying to do our best and many of the flaws that bother us are not flaws a potential partner would even notice. And if they would notice them and have a problem with them, you’re probably not a very good match in the first place.”