Should Family Members See the Same Therapist?

Therapy is supposed to be one of the few judgment-free zones where you’re empowered to say whatever you want, about whoever you want. Maybe it’s a safe space to vent about your overbearing mom who’s seemingly impossible to impress or your sibling who—bless their heart—unloads all their personal problems onto you. So what happens then when the very therapist you’ve come to trust…is also seeing your parent? Or sister? Or spouse?

That seems to be the setup for two members of the Kardashian family. Recently, Khloé revealed that she and Kim individually see the same provider. The confession may raise some eyebrows, but according to Khloé herself, it works well. “Kim introduced me,” she said on the Call Her Daddy podcast. “Kim was like, ‘I’m seeing her, I think she’d be really beneficial to you.’ And she is.”

That might sound like a disaster waiting to happen (or your worst nightmare), but for the Kardashians, having someone who understands both sides of their relationship is actually a bonus, not a drawback. “[Our therapist] gets our dynamic even from a deeper level by knowing Kim, and she gets to hear Kim’s version…of our childhood and my version,” Khloé explained.

So, should family members see the same therapist? Just because it’s successful for these sisters doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for the rest of us. Here’s when (and how) this kind of overlap can get complicated.

It works for the Kardashians—but should your family try it too?

The family therapists SELF spoke with don’t doubt that this unconventional setup may be effective for A-listers like the Kardashians. “They live highly, highly publicized lives, and most of us aren’t worried that our therapist is going to leak our information,” Erin Runt, LMFT, Chicago-based licensed therapist providing marriage and family counseling, tells SELF. “So celebrities probably have to really, really vet people to trust”—which is why getting a rec from your own sis could be a game-changer.

What about for us regular folks, though? Hypothetically, someone who’s familiar with both versions of the same problem may be able to offer a more “neutral” perspective—or at least save you the trouble of explaining your family dynamics from scratch. While that may sound promising, the potential risks for most ordinary families tend to outweigh the benefits, experts say.

For one, it’s hard not to get in your head about it. Unlike sharing a doctor, say, or dentist, you may worry about things like whether your provider will bring up how you bad-mouthed your brother during his session. Or maybe they gave you tough love about how you handled a fight with your spouse—but wait…does that mean they’re taking their side???

Make no mistake: Any good, reputable therapist should protect your privacy and remain unbiased in sticky circumstances like this, according to Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist. “The onus is really on the provider to be on top of boundaries,” she tells SELF. But even the most loyal, ethical, well-trained pro is still human—meaning, it requires a lot of work to prevent any crossover between each of your sessions. After all, it’s easy to forget who said what while working with people from the same family or to accidentally blurt out an offhand, “I know,” “I heard,” or “I remember.”

Not to mention what a shared therapist learns from each party can complicate your therapeutic relationship, too—especially if it’s stuff you didn’t disclose in your own sessions. “When we get sensitive or inflammatory information [about the other person], that’s kind of hard to ignore,” Dr. Le Goy explains. At the same time, she says therapists shouldn’t censor their clients by declaring certain topics off limits—so they can’t exactly cut you off with, “Hey, that sounds like your sister’s secret to share. Let’s change topics!”

For these reasons, many therapists will have their own rules against working with people from the same circle. “Our professional discretion should always include ethics,” Runt says, and for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, this includes using your best judgment to avoid overlapping relationships (especially within immediate family) that may pose a conflict of interest.

So generally, the answer to “should family members see the same therapist” is no. Although, in situations where seeing separate providers isn’t possible (on a college campus, say, or in a community with few resources), rest assured a solid one will still take precautions to keep things as confidential as possible. For example, they’ll likely schedule family members on different days to keep some semblance of separation, as SELF previously reported. They should also be upfront about the boundaries they’re putting in place, like clarifying that nothing you say will leave the room to help with peace of mind.

Above all, a reputable provider won’t ignore the elephant in the room. “They’ll actually acknowledge when there’s no way to prevent bias,” Runt says. From there, they may suggest a different route that protects the integrity of your care, like bringing everyone together for a group therapy session or referring one (or both) of you to a different provider (possibly a telehealth option if availability is your issue).

Ultimately, therapy only works when there’s trust. And it’s near-impossible to make the most out of your sessions if a part of you is holding back, bracing for judgment, or worrying that your secret rants about an exhausting parent, sibling, or partner aren’t, well, secret.