Sexplain It: My Partner Refuses to Dominate Me Sexually

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

How do I get my partner to dominate me? For context: I am a transman (who likes it in the butt) and they are non-binary. We have had many discussions about it and how it is my biggest turn on, but they can’t seem to get in the right mindset. They make jokes during sex, and it takes me out of it.

I know that this is something new for them. They’ve never topped anyone before me, but we’ve been together for over a year now, and things aren’t improving as fast as I’d like them to. I’ve tried to be as patient as possible, giving them resources and articles and having an open dialogue.

I am not looking to open up our relationship yet, though it is something we have discussed for the future because we are both very queer. But I really need to get dicked down without feeling anxious that they’re not into it.

I’m always the one to initiate sex, and it’s starting to make me feel bad, unwanted and not sexy. It also contributes to the dysphoria I feel in my trans body. I feel like I’ve had this conversation a million times, but not much has changed.

How do I get them to feel more comfortable and tap into that dom side? How do I get them to initiate sexy time? How do I get them to take this more seriously? Help!

— Dominate Me Please

Dear Dominate Me Please,

At some point, you just gotta fucking do it. I know that this advice is a little frustrating, but as you mentioned, you’ve spoken about it with your partner countless times. Considering how clear and eloquent you were in your question, I’m assuming you’ve communicated your desires effectively. You’ve shared how important getting dominated is for both pleasure and your identity. You’ve been patient and nonjudgmental and used “I feel” statements to avoid attacking your partner. You’ve shared how you feel undesired and would like them to initiate sex more. And you’ve stated, point-blank, that this is really important to you and something they must take seriously. (If you haven’t yet, go ahead and have another talk when you clearly express the gravitas of the situation!)

I know you want to get dicked down “without feeling anxious that they’re not into it,” but the truth is, they are anxious! (That’s likely why they’re cracking jokes during sex and not initiating sex.) And they wouldn’t be domming you because they have this huge desire; they’re doing it for you. Hopefully, they end up liking it, but in the beginning, it will be awkward. You both will be nervous, and your partner will likely feel out of their element. That doesn’t mean you don’t try it; it means you embrace the anxiety and ensuing awkwardness.

I think scheduling a time to “play” will make you both more anxious. So, one night when you’re both chilling—watching TV or what have you—initiate sex by calling them a dominant honorific. (A lot of honorifics are gendered, so I’m not sure how your partner will feel about them, but you can call them Daddy, Sir, Your Majesty, Boss, Your Grace, Commander, Captain, etc.). Tell them what you’d like to be called (e.g., boy, son, bitch, whore, slut, etc.) Calling each other by these titles/names can help naturally facilitate the Dom/sub dynamic.

While hooking up, you may need to tell them what to do: “Slap my ass,” “harder,” “choke me,” etc. I know it’s not ideal, and generally, as the sub, you shouldn’t be telling the Dom what to do (in the BDSM world, this is called topping from the bottom), but they may really not know. So, giving them some direction, at least initially, can be helpful.

If your partner just can’t do it, they are not a top/Dom. Not everyone is, and you need to respect that! If that’s the case, you have some decisions to make: Can you move up the timeline for your open relationship? If you remain closed, do you think you’ll be able to spend the rest of your life with this person without getting these sexual needs met? Or will you end up being unsatisfied and growing resentful? Given that you need to be dommed not just for pleasure but to affirm your identity as a transman, personally, I’d break up, but, of course, the choice is yours.