Sexplain It: My Girlfriend’s Doomscrolling Is Ruining Our Relationship

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form!

Dear Sexplain It,

My girlfriend and I live together. As of late, she is always on her phone, doomscrolling, reading shit about the world, and it’s clearly not good for her mental health. She’s not only getting depressed, but she’s also addicted, and when I’m with her, she now spends most of the time on her phone, not paying attention to me. I’ve brought it up, and she’ll apologize but then will go back to being on her phone an hour later. I don’t want to have to keep telling her to get off her phone. I don’t want to feel like an old dad, which I now do. How do I get her to put the phone down and not talk about the state of the world for a night?

— Frustrated Boyfriend

Dear Frustrated Boyfriend,

I think there’s a world that can satisfy both you and your partner’s needs, a happy middle ground. You are valid in your desire to have quality time with your partner, where her attention is focused on you and not on the Internet or whatever political fiasco, bloody war, or environmental disaster is currently ravaging the planet. That said, she’s also an adult and allowed to have her phone time. While it’s perhaps not the best for one’s mental health to mindlessly doom scroll, sometimes you just gotta do it, especially if you want to know what’s happening in the world. The key, as is so often the case, is moderation.

While some people may resist the idea of having “rules” in a relationship, I believe they can be beneficial, provided both partners are in agreement, and neither feels pressured to accept a rule against their will. I’m aware that setting a rule may indeed make you feel like an old dad, but I want you to go ahead and sit with that discomfort for the time being. The feeling will disappear in time.

So, have another talk with your girlfriend about her phone usage. I want you to reiterate your frustration, not blaming or judging her for her phone use but instead focusing on how her behavior impacts you. Say something like, “I feel neglected and disconnected from you when we’re together and you’re on your phone. It makes me not want to spend time with you.” Focusing on your feelings instead of attacking her will make her less likely to become defensive, and more likely to alter her behavior.

I’d then ask if she’d be open to having time when she’s not on her phone, physically putting the phone in another room so she can’t grab it and start scrolling when there’s a lull in the conversation (which many people, myself included, do absentmindedly and reflexively). Perhaps when you’re having dinner, that can be a time to put the phone away, and you two can instead talk about your days (and less depressing things happening in the news). Or when you two get home from work, that’s the time she puts her phone in another room so you two can share what happened in the office that day.

Whatever “rule” you come up with, I’d also encourage you to be flexible. Sometimes, she may need to zonk out and doomscroll, and the pull to do so is so strong that even when conversing with you, her mind is elsewhere. So essentially, it is like she’s doomscrolling even though she doesn’t have her phone in hand. I’d want her to feel comfortable enough to say, “Hey, I’m going to be honest with you: my mind is elsewhere. Do you mind if I look at my phone or take five minutes to get this out of my system? Then I’ll be able to give you my undivided attention.”

I believe her phone use will be less frustrating if it’s clearly stated, there’s an agreed-upon allotted time, and she can give you her full attention afterwards. I’m wishing you the best, my friend, and hoping your convo with her goes smoothly.