Sexplain It: My GF Refuses to Have Sex Sober

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

I made a New Year’s resolution to drink less, but my girlfriend is also a big drinker, and a lot of our seven-month relationship has involved drinking. We pretty much drink every time we go out, and only have sex when we’re drunk. She said she has no desire to cut down on drinking, which is totally fine, but now our sex life is strained. I don’t like to have sex with her when I’m sober and she’s drunk. It’s not good and feels wrong. When I voiced that maybe we could try having sex when both sober, she became defensive—even though I really did my best not to come at her as some “holier-than-thou” sober person. (For one, I’m not even sober. I’m just not drinking during the week now).

I still, of course, want to have sex, but is this a dealbreaker if she refuses to have sex sober? Obviously, you can’t “make” someone do anything they don’t want to do, but is there a way I can encourage her to try sex sober without it feeling like I’m forcing her hand, without her feeling like I’m judging her (which I’m really not)?

—Soberish Boyfriend

Dear Soberish,

When it comes to sober sex, I want to be able to give you the most reliable information possible, which is why I shared your question with Tawny Lara, also known as The Sober Sexpert. Tawny is the author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, co-author of The Sobriety Deck, co-host of the Recovery Rocks podcast, and co-founder of the fermented non-alc spirit, (parentheses). She’s reported on the intersection of sex and sobriety since 2015.

Here’s what the Sober Sexpert said when I showed her your question:

This is such an important question that demonstrates the complex intersection of substances and sex. First of all, kudos to you for drinking less this year. I also respect you for acknowledging the unpleasant feeling that arises when one sexual partner is drunk when the other is sober. Your personal goal to drink less can be tricky in a booze-obsessed world, especially when your partner still partakes in heavy drinking.

Here are a few ways to approach this situation delicately while still standing firm in your desire for sober sex:

Communicate your “why”

Let her know why you’re cutting back on booze and share any goals you hope to accomplish while you’re reevaluating your relationship with alcohol. This can be anything from “I’m sick of feeling hungover during the week” to “I make questionable decisions when I drink, and I want to understand why.” Once you get clear on your “why,” and she understands your “why,” clear communication can begin.

Also, tell her why you want to try sober sex with her without implicating that she’s wrong for wanting to be inebriated in bed. Try something like, “Having sex when you’re drunk and I’m sober makes me feel uncomfortable because we’re in different states of mind. I really want both of us to be fully present when we’re intimate.”

Get curious

You can ask her why she refuses to have sober sex in a way that opens up dialogue without her feeling attacked. Combining alcohol with sex clearly means something to her. Perhaps there are some insecurities, body image issues, PTSD, or countless other reasons. Start a conversation with, “You know sober sex is important to me right now, and so are you. I’d love to learn more about why you prefer drunk sex if you’re comfortable sharing that with me. You mean the world to me, and I’m here if you ever want to talk.” You can also ask if she’s open to a booze-free “pre-game” before getting intimate. Sometimes, taking deep breaths together or even sharing a bottle of non-alcoholic wine can get you both in the same headspace.

Consider harm reduction

The idea of harm reduction is just what it sounds like: reducing harm. Drinking less or using a less harmful substance like cannabis can be a happy medium. It’s perfectly acceptable to ask if she’s open to drinking less than she usually drinks before having sex. If she typically has five drinks, maybe she’s open to having one or two as a compromise. This can get tricky because she might feel micromanaged or like you’re counting her drinks, so it’s best to approach this question from a place of curiosity.

For example: “You know I’m drinking less right now, and I totally respect that you’re not. Would you be open to drinking less before we’re intimate? Just an idea! You know how much I care about you. I really want us to both have fun while having sex.”

Name the feelings that arise

At the risk of sounding like an annoying therapist, how does her having sex only while intoxicated make you feel? You mentioned that it feels wrong, so consider what’s underneath that. Do you also feel disrespected? Annoyed? Lonely? Does tasting alcohol on her breath make you want to drink? Identifying the nuances of those feelings and then communicating them to her can help you decide if her drinking is actually a deal breaker.

If it’s a deal breaker

As you said, you can’t make someone change their behaviors or relationship with a substance. So you have to get honest with yourself about how her drinking impacts you. It sounds like sober sex is important to you, and you need to be with someone who can respect that. If she flat-out refuses to have sober sex, sadly, it might be time to walk away. Or take a break. Standing up for yourself can show her that you’re serious about sober sex. It may even open her eyes to her own relationship with booze.

Consider couples counseling or attending peer support meetings like Al-Anon. These meetings are for people just like you: people who care about someone who uses substances heavily. You’ll hear other people share stories similar to yours, which can provide additional support and validation during this time.