Sexplain It: I’m Worried My GF Will Leave Me for Someone With a Bigger Dick

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

What do I do if my girlfriend wants someone with a bigger dick? She recently watched porn for the first time in a long time, and she liked seeing a bigger dick. I’ve been told I have a small dick, and it’s affected me all the time. What can I do to make her not leave me for a bigger dick like all my exes have?

Average-Dicked Man

Dear ADM,

I don’t want to invalidate your experiences—but I have a feeling your exes didn’t leave you because you had a below-average dick. Other issues were going on. I suspect that a lot of your fears are in your head, and you, perhaps, are turning this into a big problem with your partners.

Sure, some women will only date men with a big dick. We live in a world consumed by dick size, so yeah, it’s a real thing. I’m not going to pretend, the way I’ve seen other sex experts do, that dick size doesn’t matter at all. That’s an absurd claim to make.

But it doesn’t usually matter as much as you think. (Not to mention, we often watch porn of things we don’t actually like in real life. We just like the fantasy of, say, a large dick, but IRL it would actually hurt.) And it would be an issue early on in your relationship: your girlfriends would have quickly ended things with you, it wouldn’t suddenly become an issue a year later, y’know?

So, I want you to take a deep breath. I also want you to focus less on P-in-V penetration. I want you to focus on pleasuring your partner in other ways: eating her out, fingering her, and using toys. When the emphasis is less on penetration and more on pleasure, you’ll freak out less, and the sex will be better: a win-win for all people involved. (For tips on eating out your partner, head here. For tips on fingering, head here. For sex toy recommendations for couples, head here.)

I also want you to get some reassurance from your current girlfriend. I want you to say, “Hey, I saw you watching big dicked porn, and honestly, I’m a little worried you’re going to leave me for a guy with a larger dick.” Let her say, “Oh my God, honey, I would never. You have nothing to worry about.”

In the extremely unlikely instance that she really is considering leaving you for a larger-penised man (again, highly unlikely), I want you two to figure out a way to bring large dicks into your relationship. Perhaps you open up your relationship; maybe you wear a penis sheath that can increase your length and girth; maybe you use large dildos; maybe something else (like you try cuckolding, though that could make you more insecure, so maybe not).

My dude, you need to relax and not obsess. I know it’s easier said than done; if you find yourself unable to do so because this has become a fixation, then you need to get into therapy to figure out the next steps.