Sexplain It: I Keep Getting Rejected Because of My Small Penis

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

I have a three and a half inch dick while hard. It’s an inch and a half when soft. I’ve read how women don’t care about size as much as men think, but this has not been my experience. I have had repeated women tell me they can’t date me because my dick is too small. One woman even laughed and said, “That’s it?” when I pulled down my pants. Another woman asked, “Is it in?” when it was fully in.

I feel like I should just give up on dating and having sex with women. My self-esteem is crushed, and no woman will date me because of my small penis.

— Poorly Endowed

Dear Poorly Endowed,

I’m not going to sit here and lie to you or invalidate your experience by telling you that most women don’t care about size. That would just be insulting. The truth is, size does matter to a lot of people – and you have had multiple experiences where your (small) size has been an issue.

But here’s what I can say: There are indeed women who don’t care about size. Some women even prefer a man who’s on the smaller side. This can be for many reasons. For one, the vaginal canal is typically around 4-5 inches deep when aroused. So, a guy who’s packing eight inches is often hitting his partner’s cervix, which can be uncomfortable or downright painful.

Second, some women aren’t the biggest fans of penetration, more broadly. Sure, they may enjoy it, but they might prefer external clitoral stimulation to deep vaginal penetration. (It’s worth remembering that fewer than 1 in 5 women are able to achieve orgasm from penetration alone.)

Third, some guys with big dicks are just fucking lazy—relying on their piece to be “good at sex.” They don’t put in the effort. They don’t go down on their partners. Once they cum, the experience is over, and they don’t care if their partner finishes too. (Of course, guys with small dicks can behave similarly.)

Poorly Endowed, you cannot control the size of your dick (at least, not without costly and extensive medical procedures)—but there are some things during sex you can control and can get better at. In short: I want you to eat pussy like a mother fucking champion. (Here are 35 tips for going down on your partner if you need guidance.) I want your forearm to look like Popeye’s right after he’s shoveled a spoonful of spinach in his mouth because you finger your partners like a machine. (Here are our expert tips for fingering!) I want you whipping out sex toys because, guess what, an 8-inch dick still can’t vibrate. Nor can it suck her clit while hitting her G-spot simultaneously. But certain dual-pleasure sex toys can.

P-in-V penetration is just one tool in your sexual toolbox. It’s the one that most people rely on—the one that people obsess over—but there really is so much more you can do sexually. So, no, don’t give up dating women. Don’t let your small penis make you an incel or any of that shit. Instead, the next time you find yourself in bed with a woman, I don’t want you to even take off your underwear. I just want you to eat her out for an hour straight. I’d be shocked if she didn’t want to see you again after that.

Then, when you see her a second (or third) time, you can keep fingering and eating her out but have penetration be more of the “finishing move.” In other words, have P-in-V be dessert but not the main meal. Once your partner has already come three times from fingering/eating out, the five minutes of P-in-V can be more for you to enjoy yourself, so you can finish, too.