Sexplain It: I Can’t Get Hard Ever Since My Breakup

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very open and honest about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form!

Dear Sexplain It,

I’m 39 and, until recently, have been very sexually active. Since a bad breakup, however, I’ve had a really low sex drive and am having difficulty getting fully erect. I’m worried, of course, that this is ED, but I’m hoping it’s more of a confidence issue. How can I tell the difference? And with so many products being targeted for this kind of issue among men my age, how do I choose the right one to try??

— Missing My Younger Self

Dear Missing,

Since you started struggling with erectile dysfunction right after the bad breakup, I’m inclined to believe this is more likely a psychological issue than a physical one, but let’s see a urologist first to confirm.

ED can be a sign of various underlying health issues, including cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, hormonal imbalances, neurological disorders, and substance abuse. Or did you start taking new medications after the breakup? Several meds decrease libido and inhibit the ability to obtain and sustain an erection.

If it is one of those things, a doctor will start treating the underlying health issue and provide the best course of action to treat your ED.

If a doctor rules out underlying health issues and medication side effects, we can safely assume (and start addressing) the “confidence thing.”

I have to ask: Did something happen in your last relationship or during the breakup that hurt your self-worth? Presumably, you’ve had breakups before, and it didn’t lead to ED, so I’m inclined to think there was something different about this one.

During the breakup, did she say very hurtful things about you, taking cheap digs about your penis size? Did she claim you were shitty in bed? Or, perhaps it was more insidious, and she subtly degraded you throughout your relationship?

It’s necessary to figure out what was said or done. Only then can you get to the root of the problem and specifically address that insecurity. Because psychological ED is often rooted in fear. Fear you’re not big enough. Fear you’re not going to satisfy your partner. Fear they’re going to make fun of you, you’ll cum too quickly, you won’t make her cum, she’ll find your body gross, or any of ahundred other valid fears.

Maybe she didn’t say or do anything during the breakup. Maybe you’re just heartbroken. What’s wild is that your dick knows that! So now, it’s actually attempting to protect you. It doesn’t want to fuck and fall in love again because it doesn’t want you to experience heartbreak again. I’ll be honest with you: this is a really challenging problem to address, so if this resonates with you, I heavily recommend seeing a therapist to unpack this further.

Unfortunately, the penis is such a finicky little thing. And I know, personally, the moment I start to worry whether or not I’ll be able to get erect, it’s game over. I have no freakin’ shot. I begin to obsess, and that only makes matters worse.

What’s helpful for me is letting a partner know I struggle with ED before we get naked (to have sex, presumably). I say something like, “Sometimes, I get a little nervous when having sex with someone new, and I can’t get hard. I just wanted to let you know this is a me issue and has nothing to do with how attractive I find you.”

Your partner is likely also struggling with their own set of fears and anxieties. It becomes a major problem when they think your ED is a reflection on them, specifically how attractive you find them or how much you like them. By explaining this is your issue and you do like them, you’re much more likely to have a sexual, non-penetrative encounter that’s fun and rewarding to you both.

Speaking of which, let us not forget that there is more to sex than penetration, and that most women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. (They need manual stimulation, sex toys, clitoral stimulation, etc.) There is so much you can do with a soft penis. You can still go down on them, use toys, make out, finger them, the list goes. Not everything revolves around your dick.

You ask about ED meds and which ones you should try. At the moment, I would actually discourage you from using ED meds—at least for the time being. With ED meds, you’re not attacking the issue at the source. You’re just treating the symptom. And unless you want to take ED meds for the rest of your life (which plenty of people do—and I’m in no way shaming them), I’d rather you try to address your ED with the help of a therapist and through communicating with your future potential partners.