Sexplain It: I Can’t Find a BF Because I’m Only Attracted to Muscle Gays

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

I’m a 29 year old gay guy, I’ve been going to gay bars, and joined an LGBTQ+ softball league and dodgeball league, hoping I could get a boyfriend, but I just feel like giving up on dating. None of the guys seem to be interested in me anyway. I’m usually attracted to conventionally attractive guys in good shape. I’m a bear in the community. I’ve always seen myself as average-looking. I know there are many guys that find me attractive, but the feeling never seems to be reciprocated. Should I just quit trying for a boyfriend and embrace the life of a spinster?

— Lonely Gay Man

Dear Lonely Gay Man,

First, I want to emphasize that 29 is still quite young. Research shows that gay men often marry later than their straight counterparts, typically around age 38. This delay can be attributed to various factors, including coming out later in life and not dating during our teens or twenties. Additionally, many queer men face societal pressures and internalized shame that can complicate relationships. Even if marriage isn’t your goal, it’s common for gay men to find their long-term partners in their mid to late thirties.

So, you have plenty of time. Don’t give up on your search for a boyfriend. You deserve to find someone special and to feel loved!

Now, onto the tough love. You are not the first gay man who’s written in with this exact dilemma, i.e., being a self-described “average-looking” man who covets and is only attracted to conventionally attractive, ripped, muscle gays. I get this a lot, and every time, it makes me want to pull out my hair.

Of course, it’s natural to be attracted to conventionally attractive guys. We have been inundated with images of conventionally attractive “hot” guys in the media, TV, ads, and films from a young age. We’ve been told both implicitly and explicitly, “This is what you should find attractive.” So I get it, truly. But if you are only attracted to these men, that’s on you. You have to broaden your perspective on potential partners to people who look like you.

Let’s not forget that physical appearance is just one aspect of why we find someone attractive. We are (or should be) also attracted to other characteristics such as passion, intellect, kindness, humor, and so on.

Additionally, if you’re lucky to live long enough, the way you look will change. I don’t care who you are or how much work you’ve had done; your looks eventually will fade. It’s why physical appearance simply cannot sustain a relationship long-term.

So, I want you to stop writing off these men who you say do find you attractive. Get drinks with them. See a show. Go on a picnic. Give them a chance! That’s all I’m saying.

Now, I know I’ve been a little snarky, so I’d like to end on a positive, uplifting note: Finding a boyfriend is a journey, and being open to new people and experiences can lead to wonderful outcomes. Keep your heart open, and you may just find the companionship you’re looking for!