Sexplain It: Help! My GF Wants to Bring the Bathroom to the Bedroom.

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

After a year of dating, my girlfriend just revealed that she has a massive pee kink. She loves being peed on, drinking pee, and even someone peeing inside her vagina. I’m feeling a couple of things. First, I’m surprised and shocked that I’m only now hearing about this, a year into dating. And it makes me question if she’s even enjoyed the vanilla sex we’ve been having. (I really thought she was, before this!) Second, I have literally no desire to do any piss play. The idea of it does not turn me on, and sure, I guess I’d rather pee on her than be peed on, but I’d prefer nothing involving pee. I’m feeling torn because it seems like she really wants this, and it’s important to her. I don’t know what to do.

— Piss Averse Boyfriend

Dear Piss Averse Boyfriend,

While I don’t know for sure, I’d be willing to bet that your girlfriend has enjoyed having sex with you (at least most of the time). Speaking from experience as someone who’s quite kinky: I love having vanilla sex, and I love having kinky sex. They’re apples and oranges. Sometimes I’m in the mood for one, sometimes the other. And trust me, I could not have kinky, BDSM sex every single time I fucked. I would be emotionally and physically drained, just a puddle on the floor if I were subbing (or domming) every time I had sex.

But don’t just take it from me. You can ask your girlfriend. Right now, you need some validation from her. That’s understandable! Tell her you’re now second-guessing all the sex you’ve had and are wondering if she’s actually enjoyed it. See what she says.

Now, moving on to the more challenging issue at hand. She wants golden showers. You’re not into it. Thus, you’re at an impasse.

Legendary sex advice columnist Dan Savage coined the phrase Good, Giving, and Game (GGG) to describe the qualities of a sex partner. That final G, Game, is what’s relevant here. Game means you’re open-minded and willing to explore sexually, within reason.

I don’t want to encourage you to push past a hard limit, to do something that you think would traumatize or scar you. Of course, you should not engage in anything sexually that you don’t want to, but—and hopefully, this isn’t too contradicting—I would encourage you to be a little more game.

Because… it’s just pee.

So, would you feel comfortable starting with just a little pee? Say you two shower together, and you pee on her while the water’s running? I feel like that’s relatively tame (and a lot chiller and less pressure than peeing inside of her while you’re having sex). There’s a possibility that seeing how turned on your girlfriend gets turns you on, or you may enjoy it more than you think. And so, after peeing on her in the shower, you’ll feel more comfortable working your way up to more watersports.

Conversely, that may be where you stop, or after peeing on her in the shower, you may think, “I hated this. Never again.” This is totally okay! Again, you should never feel pressured to participate in something that makes you uncomfortable, and you really did give it a proper college try, which is all your girlfriend can ask of you.

If that’s the case, you may want to consider having an open relationship. Not an extremely open “free for all,” but a limited one, with rules designed explicitly for the purpose of your girlfriend getting this kink met by someone else because it’s something you cannot provide.

If an open relationship isn’t for you and your girlfriend, are there compromises that satisfy both of your needs without you resorting to an open relationship? Maybe it’s not piss, but there’s something else kinky you two could explore? Spanking? Spitting? Dirty talk? I’d ask your girlfriend what it is specifically about piss that turns her on, and then try to find a comparable activity.

Hopefully, there is one! But if not, well, then the onus is on her to decide if she can continue in a monogamous relationship where she’s not getting her kinky sexual desires met. She may be willing to forgo doing that kink for the rest of her life, or she may break up with you. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It doesn’t mean either of you is a “bad” person; it just means you two aren’t a match. Once broken up, she’ll be free to find someone who loves pissing on her, and you’ll be free to find someone who craves and is completely satisfied by more vanilla sex.