Sexplain It: Everything Is Perfect in Our Relationship… Only My GF Doesn’t Want Sex

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

My GF and I have been together for five years. At first, we were all over each other, even having sex more than once a day, on occasion. At the time, I was 60 and she was 51. We settled into a routine of two or three times a week after our first year together. She was nearly always multi-orgasmic.

The pandemic was stressful for us, and eventually, our intimacy suffered. Then she experienced hot flashes and said she felt different “down there.” It wasn’t obvious what was going on at first, as she had a hysterectomy years ago, but still has her ovaries. I did find that if I masturbated, she would sometimes get turned on and join in, and we would have intercourse.

As things got more strained between us, we eventually stopped being intimate. She has talked to her doctor, but only regarding hot flashes. We had some serious discussions and agreed to work on getting along. Things are much better now, and she says she’s happy. We snuggle in bed sometimes. But she still rebuffs my advances (usually by pushing my hand away and saying “unh-uh”). Sometimes, I wake up, and she’s using a vibrator. If I try to join in, she says, “I’m just doing this so I can go to sleep.” This is said bluntly as if it’s not an opportunity for a conversation. Is this all as obvious as it seems?

I’ve held out some hope in the past, but now it feels like I’m just staying because her daughter leaves for college this fall, and she’s a great kid who sees me as her stepdad.

—Sexless Boyfriend

Dear Sexless Boyfriend,

As the age-old adage goes: “Sex is only 10 percent of a marriage when it’s good, but when it’s bad (or in your case, nonexistent), it’s 90 percent.”

Your frustrations are valid. You want to have sex with your girlfriend, a very normal and healthy desire. Your girlfriend, due to pandemic stress and physical bodily changes, isn’t in the mood to have sex. That’s also normal and to be expected. But you’re at this standstill, this gridlock. What do you do since no one is “in the wrong” and you simply have different desires?

I’d recommend you both read Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. The book explores how individuals in long-term relationships can reignite a fulfilling sex life after a period of stagnation.

One crucial thing Nagoski explains is that when someone isn’t interested in having sex, it often stems from feeling stress or anxiety. These impediments can make it hard to feel desire. In other words, the issue isn’t a lack of stimuli turning them on. Instead, it’s external pressures blocking their interest in intimacy.

That’s why introducing kink, sex toys, or changing sex positions might not help your girlfriend feel more inclined to engage in sex. Rather, you need to focus on identifying the underlying factors that are negatively affecting her libido and finding ways to alleviate those stressors.

So, right now, I want you to ask your girlfriend if there’s anything you can do to make her life easier. Perhaps cooking dinner or dropping things off to be returned would reduce her stress. Maybe she feels sore, so giving her a massage (or booking her a professional massage) would help her relax. Perhaps it’s something else entirely.

Hopefully, when you remove stressors and make her life easier, she’ll have more energy and desire to have sex. She’ll also feel cared for, which can be a gateway to sexual connection.

Additionally, I want you both to engage in activities that help you bond on a deeper level, such as cooking together, going for walks, or simply sharing your thoughts and feelings. When you try to initiate sex at night without having connected during the day, it’s like attempting to start a fire with just two tiny twigs. You need more substantial fuel—like logs and kindling—to create a lasting flame. Building that emotional connection throughout the day provides the necessary warmth and energy for intimacy at night.

Lastly, I want you to explore alternative forms of intimacy that don’t center around sex. Activities like cuddling, kissing, or giving each other massages can help maintain your connection and create a more relaxed atmosphere where both of you feel comfortable.

Now, if all of this doesn’t work, then I suggest you two seek a couple’s sex therapist. In couples counseling, things come up that do not arise when you talk to your partner one-on-one, no matter how well you communicate. With the help of a trained professional, your girlfriend may be better able to identify and express what’s inhibiting her desire to have sex with you.

Ultimately, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life without sex. Still, it would be unfortunate to break up over this issue, especially since everything else in your relationship seems to be going well. Hopefully, you two can patiently work together to rec