No One Told Me How Hard It Is to Date a Medical Student

I was lucky enough to fall in love with one of my closest friends at college—who just so happened to be on the undergrad track to become a doctor. Four years later, I proudly watched as he received his white coat and started his medical school journey. However, it wasn’t long before I became painfully aware of what now feels so obvious: Dating a doctor in training, or just anyone who throws themselves into a demanding career, is really freaking hard.

I knew the grueling hours, academic workload, and emotionally draining experiences would be hard on him. But I never imagined how stressful, lonely, and frustrating it would be for me. During my darkest moments, I searched online for anyone or anything that would validate my feelings—and help assuage the guilt I experienced, because how dare I make his stress about me!?—but I found nothing.

Now that he’s in his final year of medical school—and we’re nearly a decade into our relationship—I can say that, despite the many bumps in the road, we’re making it work. But a lot of people can’t, and that’s okay too. To help put my experience into perspective, I spoke to Sara Kuburic, an existential psychotherapist in Sydney, Australia, and author of It’s On Me: Accept Hard Truths, Discover Yourself, and Change Your Life. Here’s what I’ve learned.

1. It helps if you accept and are realistic about your new reality.

Some academic programs (think anything related to medicine, finance, law, or even some career tracks like becoming a chef) are simply not designed to support healthy relationships. But the first step in making the best of a shitty situation, Dr. Kuburic says, is to accept that your partner cannot give you their all (at least during this time) and be realistic about your new normal.

I now know it’s unrealistic to have date nights, lavish holiday getaways (because yupp, med students don’t get paid), or even an hour every night to binge watch our favorite Netflix show together. So instead, we enjoy the time we do have, even if it’s just joking about our day while loading the dishwasher or keeping each other company while we brush our teeth before bed. That said, there’s a thin line between being temporarily laser-focused on a career “and someone just being toxic or a bad partner,” Dr. Kuburic says.

If you start to feel like your person isn’t even trying, it’s worth talking about your dynamic. We all have certain ideas about how our relationship can (and should!) satisfy our wants and needs, Dr. Kuburic says. However, if you’re fully committed to making your relationship work, then ignoring the realities of your partner’s current situation will only make the both of you feel worse—which leads to my next point.

2. It’s a good idea to focus on yourself.

I’ve always enjoyed my solitude, but dating a med student has forced me to become my own best friend, for better or worse. I have more coloring books than I have storage for; I’ve learned the species of just about every tree in my neighborhood on my solo jaunts; and I’m now an avid LEGO builder. Although I frequently wish I had someone to do these activities with, I’ve begun to switch my mindset from “I have to do it alone,” to “I get to do it alone”—and Dr. Kuburic says this is a good route to take. “It’s almost like doing long distance…. Instead of putting your life on pause until they’re done, take that time to self-focus,” she says—that way, you feel like you’re still growing as a person and you can avoid resenting your partner.

Maybe you want to put more energy into your own career, or finally take up that adult karate class you’ve been itching to try. Whatever it is, make sure it brings you joy, and don’t forget that these activities might help you find friends and emotional support outside your partnership—which I know is easier said than done. When my boyfriend started med school, I moved with him to a state where I didn’t know anyone, so I found a dance studio where I now teach classes, and I’ve nailed down a solid FaceTime schedule with friends and family across the country. But find your own groove! “Making friends is so hard as an adult…[but] the fact that we’re all lonely can be really comforting,” Dr. Kuburic says. “Sometimes we’re expecting others to make the first move, [but] I always suggest that people just do it. Worst that can happen is someone won’t be interested!”

3. Don’t take your partner’s coping strategies personally.

One of the hardest and most eye-opening lessons I’ve learned is that everyone deals with stress differently. Duhhhh, I know, but when you’re in the thick of it, things can get a bit…confusing. For example, I like to relax by cuddling on the couch, while my partner just shuts down, falling asleep for an hour before hitting the books again. It hurt—a lot—when I realized that he couldn’t really decompress with me—either in active conversation or comforting silence. But after talking things through, I learned that it really isn’t about me and I just cannot force him to rest in the way I want him to. Plus, my inability to accept how he manages the daily pressure was only making it worse for him and, by default, me too. “Without realizing it, we want to save our partner from their stress, [but] we need to trust their capacity to do so” on their own, Dr. Kuburic says. “If they need help, they can reach out. Otherwise, we’re just there to support them, and we don’t need to internalize what they’re going through.”

Simply recognizing the different ways that you and your partner choose to wind down won’t necessarily always make you feel better, but it will allow you to give them the space to accomplish their goals. Just make sure this dynamic doesn’t keep happening even after they’re done with their studies, Dr. Kuburic says. “Restating your boundaries and figuring out what your needs are that weren’t being met” is critical, she says. And remember that pressure at work or school isn’t an excuse to behave poorly in the relationship. If they can’t meet your bare-minimum boundaries and reasonable expectations, it could become a serious problem as you both ride this rollercoaster of a journey together, Dr. Kuburic says.

4. You can still comfort your partner while giving them space.

Academic burnout can make a ghost of the person you love, which can be absolutely heartbreaking to witness in real time. A good way to support your partner is to keep an eye out for signs that they aren’t taking care of themselves, Dr. Kuburic says. When was the last time they showered? Have they eaten a real meal today? Are they crying all the time or snapping at everyone around them? You probably know your partner best, especially if you live with them, so use your judgement about when it might be time to step in and guide them to a professional for help. You can start with a conversation during a quieter time, not necessarily when they’re cramming for a test or just got home from an overnight shift. “If there’s ever a point when they’re not super stressed,” Dr. Kuburic says, “that could be a really good time to be like, ‘Hey, I want to be here for you and help you. Are there tangible ways that I can do that?’”

5. You’re allowed to decide if your relationship is not working.

No matter how many sacrifices you’ve made to save your relationship, you’re always 1srcsrc% allowed to acknowledge if it’s just not working for you anymore. You know that saying, If you love something, set it free? Well, it’s true. If your needs are constantly not being met, then it’s okay—healthy even—to cut the cord. “Maybe putting your life on hold or not really having your partner to yourself for four to eight years is not something that works for you anymore, even though you thought it would,” Dr. Kuburic says. “Being really honest with yourself and knowing what your limits are and if this is healthy for you is just as important as making sure that they’re healthy and that you’re taking care of them.”

The bottom line? There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing your relationship and going the extra mile to make a challenging phase of your life together a bit easier for the both of you. So don’t panic when things get hard (been there, done that!). But your partner shouldn’t be your only focus. You matter too, and your needs and concerns are just as worthy of their attention and care as theirs are to you.