It Ends With Us May Trigger Your Partner. Here’s How to Support Them.

THE MOVIE ADAPTATION of Colleen Hoover’s bestselling novel It Ends With Us is out now, and has generated conversation for a whole bunch of reasons. There’s the disjointed marketing campaign, for one, with its star Blake Lively encouraging viewers to “grab your friends, wear your florals” to a movie about intimate partner violence as if it’s the Eras Tour. There’s the mysterious rift between Lively and her co-star, Justin Baldoni, who also directed the movie, and who has been notably absent from much of the press tour.

And then there’s the discourse around whether or not It Ends With Us, a famously controversial story about a woman who falls for a handsome surgeon only to become trapped in a violent marriage, is a responsible depiction of something that affects approximately one in four women. The burgeoning relationship between Lily Bloom (Lively) and Ryle Kincaid (Baldoni) that features so heavily in the film’s trailer, replete with shirtless scenes and smooching, sure does seem to promise a swoonworthy romance movie, prompting concerns that It Ends With Us is “glamorizing” domestic abuse.

According to Dr. Isabelle Morley, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, It Ends With Us is a fairly accurate portrayal of how abuse can occur gradually in seemingly happy relationships, with one major caveat. (Spoilers follow.) The movie’s final act shows a pregnant Lily leaving Ryle and telling him she wants a divorce, in a sequence that is jarringly tidier than anything that has come before, and is far removed from how these scenarios play out in real life, where attempting to leave is often the moment when a person is most at risk of violence.

“The movie’s inaccuracy is concerning because people may not realize how hard and even life-threatening it can be to get out of an abusive situation,” Morley explains. “I wouldn’t have recommended Lily ask for a divorce when she’s alone with Ryle, let alone when he’s holding their newborn child. He has nearly killed her several times, and she appears mostly unaffected by this fact. Lily’s continued confidence, sense of safety, and self-trust are not a good depiction of what a survivor would be experiencing. Leaving an abusive partner requires forethought, a safety plan, and lots of support. Perpetrators don’t accept rejection and walk away peacefully, and the movie’s portrayal of that could cause viewers to leave their abusive situations without enough consideration for the possible challenges, consequences, or safety issues.”

Ultimately, though, It Ends With Us is a work of fiction and should be viewed as such, rather than a blueprint for how to leave a dangerous relationship. That said, watching the movie may well be painful for those who have personally experienced domestic violence, and Morley recommends aftercare in those instances.

How to support a friend or partner:

If you want to support someone who watched the film and has had a personal experience with domestic violence, the best thing you can do is listen.

“Survivors are isolated in abusive relationships, cut off from support of family and friends, and are made to believe they are at fault for the relationship’s issues,” says Morley. “They have likely suffered a severe hit to their self-esteem and ability to trust themselves. Being a listening ear and providing emotional support can go a long way. Reassure your friend that they aren’t ‘dumb’ or to blame for being stuck in a bad situation; anyone can fall prey to an abuser because of how adept they are at manipulation, and because there are typically good parts of the relationship that we cling to. Help them find a therapist if they need more support, or recommend books on how to process and heal from an abusive relationship.”

Morley suggests It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula or Psychopath Free and Whole Again by Jackson Mackenzie as great places to start.

Remember to take care of yourself, too:

“The movie is intensely triggering, even for those who have not been personally exposed to domestic violence or abuse,” says Morley. “Seeing someone be physically harmed by their partner is upsetting for anyone to witness, even if there’s a ‘happy ending’ where the violence ends. Many people may feel anxious, sad, or even fearful for several characters’ future safety (such as Lily and her daughter Emerson, since we don’t know the custody agreement and if continued interactions will be necessary).”

For those who are in a heightened emotional state, Morley explains, grounding strategies will be helpful.

“Try deep breathing (box breathing or diaphragmatic breathing) or use the 5-4-3-2-1 strategy (name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste),” she advises. “These will help viewers calm down their nervous system and come back to the present moment where they are safe. People may also benefit from talking about what they saw and naming their feelings, including any fears or concerns they might have about themselves or others they know being in an abusive situation. Anyone who needs additional support can talk to a therapist or call the Domestic Violence Hotline.”

Despite the inaccuracies in It Ends With Us, and the legitimate criticisms levied against it, it is still possible that having such a splashy summer movie cover this difficult topic, albeit fictionally, will make it incrementally easier to have difficult conversations about domestic abuse in the real world.

“The movie touches on a near-universal fear for many of getting caught in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, this is also a reality for many,” Morley adds. “Most of us think that we would not allow ourselves to enter or stay in a relationship with someone who hurts us, but this movie challenges that comforting belief. Abuse is an equal opportunity offender—people from any background can fall prey to it—and seeing an otherwise confident and independent Lily stay in such a clearly abusive situation is a stark reminder of that.”

Additional support and resources are available at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. For immediate help, call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.