Is It Bad to Never Fight In a Relationship? We Asked Experts for Their Honest Thoughts

Fighting, at least in the way we often picture it—yelling, cursing, slamming doors—definitely doesn’t scream healthy relationship goals. But that doesn’t necessarily mean never fighting is a flex either.

While you probably want to avoid dramatic cuss-filled blowups, icy silent treatments, and other unproductive ways of handling confrontation, “there’s a huge difference between fighting and simply having conflict,” Felicia De La Garza Mercer, PhD, Austin-based therapist and couples counselor, tells SELF. And despite what you may think, you actually want the latter in a healthy partnership.

Almost every couple (even the easygoing ones) runs into conflict at some point. Ideally, it just manifests as subtle, nonproblematic friction, Dr. De La Garza Mercer says. Think: mismatched spending habits, disagreements over travel plans, or clashing parenting opinions—relatively normal moments that don’t have to spell trouble (as long as you work through them respectfully, that is).

So never disagreeing? Ever? Well, that’s not always a green flag. Here’s how to know when your seemingly “peaceful” dynamic is more of a problem than a perk.

When can never fighting be a bad thing?

In the early stages of a relationship, “it’s natural to bite your tongue when you know something isn’t a big deal,” Dr. De La Garza Mercer explains. With those rose-tinted glasses on, everything probably feels easy and perfect. Plus, getting to know each other tends to take priority over nitpicking the small stuff during the whirlwind honeymoon phase.

It’s also possible that some couples may really mean it when they say they’ve never fought, Lia Huynh, LMFT, a licensed therapist based in San Jose, California, tells SELF. Usually this happens when both partners are so in sync with their communication styles that they can calmly work through any hiccups—without raising their voices and before they escalate into make-or-break moments.

These scenarios, however, are different from regularly swallowing your frustrations. For example, Huynh recommends paying attention to whether you find yourself doing so in order to “keep the peace.” Maybe you worry that bringing up your SO’s constant phone use during dinner dates will automatically lead to a breakup. Or that disagreeing with even one of their opinions could make them lose interest and walk away.

According to Huynh, a fear of conflict can stem from past experiences—perhaps your parents argued constantly and now you associate “fighting” with chaos. An ex shut you down whenever you voiced your needs, so you internalized the idea that it’s easier to stay quiet. It’s also possible that anxious attachment style—characterized by a fear of abandonment—plays a role, Huynh says, in which people-pleasing may seem like the only way to avoid rejection.

Whatever the reason you avoid confrontation, Dr. De La Garza Mercer points out that ignoring your true feelings won’t do you any good in the long run, since the habits or behaviors that bug you won’t just disappear. For instance, if it upsets you when your partner likes their ex’s Instagram posts, they won’t stop unless you speak up. Or if you’ve reluctantly agreed to spend every holiday with your nosy in-laws, faking a smile might keep the peace, but “you’re the one left feeling ignored, underappreciated, and unfulfilled when your core needs are constantly suppressed,” Huynh says.