How to ‘Reparent’ Your Inner Child

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If you spend much time on mental health Instagram or TherapyTok, you might’ve come across talk of how to “reparent” your “inner child.” Maybe you rolled your eyes and kept scrolling. Another airy-fairy fake therapy trend, cool. But if you’re here the concept probably intrigues you, and for good reason: Reparenting is a fairly intuitive and actually helpful framework that a growing number of therapists (and their clients) adore.

“It’s gaining momentum in the mental world,” therapist Nicole Johnson, LPC, founder of Oak and Ivy Therapy Services, tells SELF. “But it’s still not normalized and talked about enough, in my opinion.” (Johnson is hoping to help change that—she’s got a book on the topic coming out in July called Reparenting Your Inner Child: Healing Unresolved Childhood Trauma and Reclaiming Wholeness through Self-Compassion.)

So what does reparenting yourself look like, exactly? And how can it help you? Let’s get into it.

What is reparenting?

“Reparenting is a therapeutic technique focused on creating a nurturing and supportive internal dialogue,” psychotherapist Gillian O’Shea Brown, PhD, LCSW, adjunct professor at New York University, tells SELF. “[It] can help you to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and overcome past wounds by providing the care and support you may have lacked in childhood,” she explains.

The approach is closely tied to the concept of the inner child or children, which you can think of as young parts of your psyche that still hold pain or distorted beliefs, largely from the ways your caregivers fell short or mistreated you. “Reparenting and inner child work are like two sides of the same coin,” Johnson says. “It’s like these children are stuck, frozen in time in that experience.”

Because of that, the old beliefs and wounds of our inner children can drive a lot of our unconscious patterns in the present day in ways we don’t realize, Dr. O’Shea Brown explains. Like core beliefs about how lovable you are or tendencies around how you act in relationships, talk to yourself, handle your emotions, and approach conflict.

An example: Maybe your parents got into explosive fights when you were little and you learned to stay safe by hiding in your bedroom. Today, that might show up as withdrawing at the slightest hint of discord. Or if your caregiver sometimes acted annoyed when you expressed a need, you might’ve coded that to mean you’re a burden. And now you’re terrified of expressing needs to your partner, even though you know it’s not “rational.”

The promise of reparenting is that we can shift those patterns by giving our inner children what they didn’t get growing up, Johnson says. By using the nurturing qualities, tools, and capacities you have now, you can help your inner child let go of those old hurts and beliefs. Say your parents were sometimes neglectful when you cried, and to this day you ignore feelings of sadness when they come up. If you start bringing presence and curiosity to those feelings when they arise, that’s reparenting.

In fact, if you’re in therapy or doing any kind of inner work, you’re probably already doing some reparenting, Johnson says. Self-compassion, validating your feelings, setting boundaries, working with your inner critic, forgiving your past mistakes, emotional regulation, seeding new self-beliefs, learning to express your needs, self-soothing, celebrating yourself for doing a hard new thing—these are all examples of reparenting yourself. Reframing these skills as reparenting can help us see ourselves through a more loving lens, as well as access our nurturing energy. “It’s much easier to practice being kinder to yourself when you see yourself as a wounded little [kid] who feels alone and scared, needing a hug,” Johnson says.

How do I reparent myself?

Johnson recommends diving right in. “You can just start today, because it’s not a perfect science.” Here are some ways to get the reparenting ball rolling.

1. Get to know your inner child through journaling.

Self-awareness is the first step. “You cannot heal what you’re not aware of,” as Johnson puts it. Journaling is a great way to start meeting your inner child(ren) and building trust. Trust your intuition about what the younger version of yourself is asking to connect with. Or if you’re stumped, think back on a challenging time in your childhood where you know your emotional needs went unmet.

Here are a few prompts Johnson recommends:

Flesh out a mini bio: How old are you? What’s your nickname? What are your biggest fears? What do you love to do for fun?
Fill in the blank: When I was growing up, I felt… or When I think about how my parent treated me, I think…
Free write in response to an open-ended question: How do you feel about life? What do you want me to know?

Not a big journaler? Make some art instead. Use the same prompts, but let your inner child respond through drawing or painting—sometimes we can access these younger parts of ourselves better without words, Johnson says.

2. Start small and let it feel weird.

“Healing” doesn’t only look like big breakthroughs in therapy—the small stuff adds up. “Just start with little things,” Johnson says, like noticing moments throughout the day where you spot a tendency or pattern you’d like to change. If you catch yourself ruminating on some version of “I’m not good enough,” for instance, give some kind self-talk a shot. To get going, try speaking to yourself the way you would a good friend or a child: “Hey, I know you’re doing the best you can right now. I don’t need you to be perfect. I love you no matter what.”

Brace yourself to feel pretty damn cringe and uncomfortable, Johnson says. After all, you’re working a new muscle. “By consistently offering yourself compassion in these moments, you strengthen your self-reparenting skills,” Dr. O’Shea Brown says. As you practice, you’ll find what language resonates and you’ll build up your inner child’s trust in your capacity to take care of them.

3. Pay special attention to your inner child when you’re triggered.

Often when you’re hit with a strong feeling—a well of shame, a sense of abandonment—or finding yourself behaving in a way that feels “young” or irrational, it could be coming from an inner child that needs some TLC. “Triggering situations are ideal moments for self-reparenting,” Dr. O’Shea Brown says.

Say you just had an argument with your partner where you felt like they just weren’t listening, and suddenly you feel like a frustrated four-year-old who can’t get their parents’ attention again. That’s a moment to self-soothe and let your inner child know you hear them. Or maybe you get a situationship breakup text and your heart drops into a pit of loneliness. (Even though you didn’t even like them that much!) Tell that lonely kiddo inside, I’m right here with you, you’re not alone and keep them company.

4. Try this visualization exercise.

If you’re up for getting a little imaginative, you can engage with a young part of yourself more intentionally using visualization. Here’s an abbreviated version of an exercise Dr. O’Shea Brown suggests:

Take a few deep breaths and close your eyes. Visualize yourself as a kid. Notice your expression, your clothes, where you are.
Tell your inner child you’re present and curious. Ask: Is there anything you want me to hear? Is there anything you need?
If a tough memory comes up, imagine your adult self swooping in to take care of your child self.
Give them what they needed in that moment—a bear hug, some loving words. “[You’ll] notice that they are mainly seeking to be seen and understood without judgment by a warm, nurturing adult,” Dr. O’Shea Brown says.

These kinds can get pretty emotional, Johnson says. So choose a time when you’re feeling pretty centered and maybe prep some emotional regulation and grounding tools you can lean on. (You’ll want to reserve seriously traumatic memories for therapy—more on that next.)

5. Seek out support.

While the gist of self-parenting is that you’re doing it, well, yourself, involving a therapist can be a wise move sometimes. Some people need more guidance on how to show up for their inner child, Dr. O’Shea Brown says, or have particularly difficult memories they need support navigating. If at any point you start to feel overwhelmed by a memory or emotion (or experience a sense of numbness or disconnection), that’s a sign to get support from a trauma-informed therapist, Dr. O’Shea Brown says.

Reparenting work isn’t all doom and gloom, though. “There are aspects of it that are delightful that we don’t tend to think of because we’re focused on the big, scary, hairy stuff,” Johnson says. “But reparenting can actually be a whole lot more fun than we realize.”

Who knows? You might even find yourself getting back into a childhood hobby or tapping into the zany creativity of a crayon-wielding four-year-old as your inner child comes out to play.