‘Don’t Go to Bed Angry’ Is Actually Bad Relationship Advice

“NEVER GO TO bed angry.” This is a piece of advice you’ll hear again and again whenever an inquisitive journalist asks older, long-term married couples their one piece of advice for relationship longevity. Well, no offense to these relationship vets, but as a sex and relationship psychotherapist, I can tell you with complete certainty that this is actually kind of bullshit.

Hear me out.

On its face, the appeal of this simple adage is pretty evident. It basically tells us one thing: Conflict should be resolved quickly and before it disturbs our precious slumber. And if we lived in a world without complex human emotions, nervous system reactions, and multi-layered relational conflict, this would be a great piece of advice. Just, you know, make up and forget about whatever you were fighting about and go to bed – presumably into a deep and restful sleep. This will help you resolve conflict and you can move on.

The problem is that interpersonal relationships, especially of the romantic and sexual variety, are not that simple, and so simple solutions just aren’t realistic.

“We soak up infinite romantic myths and faulty aphorisms like ‘don’t go to bed mad,’ selling us a view that if love is not easy, it is wrong, and that if we can’t live by that simplistic code, we are the problem,” says Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice, adjunct professor at Northwestern University, and author and host of the podcast Reimagining Love.

Here is why going to bed angry can actually be a good thing, how we can go to bed angry in the “right” way, and how to bookend conflict in a way that allows you to resolve it in a safe and healthy way for all parties involved. And I’ve recruited some of the world’s leading relationship experts to assist in this mighty task.

Why the idea that we ‘should never go to bed angry’ can cause relationship problems.

“Never go to bed angry” is one of many highly-romanticized relationship monoliths we’ve been sold. And it isn’t doing any of us any good. This is part of what Solomon refers to as “Disney doing us dirty.” We’ve been fed these broad statements as if they were universally true – and as if relationships were universally straightforward and clear cut. “Believing a myth like this forces us into an impossible bind– abandon myself and my feelings in order to try to live up to some ideal notion of what love is, or allow myself to be present to my emotions and worry that somehow our relationship is doomed because we can’t live up to the ideal,” Solomon adds.

It’s cute, sure, and the intentions behind it are probably good in most cases – but, in practice, it sets us up for failure. We humans actually need time to sit with difficult emotions and be able to work through conflict in our own time—as a team. When we’re feeling really emotionally activated during a conflict, trying to sweep our feelings aside and make peace for the sake of a good night’s sleep can wind up just making us feel resentful.

Additionally, making sweeping statements like ‘never go to bed angry’ low-key shames anger as an emotion. Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist in LA, tells us that “Anger is not the enemy. Anger gives us important information about our needs, values, what’s working and what is not working. Sometimes, we need time to sift through all of the information and feelings that come up, and that needs to be okay. We should not feel shameful about asking for more time.”

The negative consequences of living by this rule.

It kind of boils down to this: We hold on so tightly to this concept because we want to avoid pain and uncomfortable feelings. But the big problem is that avoiding discomfort does not resolve conflict. It only masks it. If we insist on resolving problems before we go to bed, and leave no space for extension, we’re basically asking for superficial resolution, not real resolution. And let me tell you, that does not make for long-term relationship contentment.

Another big problem that comes with adhering rigidly to this concept is that it doesn’t take into account something very important: Our logical mind needs to be engaged in order to resolve conflict.

Sex therapist Dr. Nazanin Moali, host of the Sexology podcast, tells us that when we’re pissed off to high heaven, our ability to think reasonably and rationally essentially goes out the window. “When [we’re] angry,” she says. “[We] experience physiological flooding—[our] heart rate rises, [our] nervous system enters fight-or-flight mode, and [our] ability to engage in meaningful repair becomes impaired.” This is not great for long-term relationship health, friends!

Bottom line: Prioritizing our emotional state needs to come before any “Universal Relationship Truths” that aren’t even really true.

The positive aspects of this idea.

It’s not all bad! Moali says that this notion of going to bed only once conflict is resolved is better thought of as a framework, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. This way, it can have some benefit, without blocking us in.

When we acknowledge the need for resolution without the pressure of a specific timeframe, we open ourselves to greater relational depth and understanding. “Prioritizing connection and co-regulation with your partner is valuable,” she says. “In a world where many couples are overwhelmed by stress and distractions, the idea of avoiding prolonged stonewalling or emotional withdrawal can serve as a useful reminder to stay engaged rather than shutting down.” Basically, it invites us to continue moving towards resolution in a healthy way – if we embrace the nuance.

How to go to bed angry in the “right” way.

So, the question really becomes, how the heck do we go to bed mad in the “right” way? Is there a right way? Solomon says: YES. There really is, actually. And you can do it in three simple steps.

• Call an intentional time out (“I am needing a break” or “I think we should press pause for now.”)

• Acknowledge the difficulty of the moment (“This is a really hard conversation” or “I think we both feel pretty hurt and misunderstood.”)

• Agree to resume in the morning (“I think we should come back to this tomorrow after we’ve gotten some sleep.”)

In this framework, we’re still acknowledging and holding space for the conflict and the need for resolution; we’re just going about the execution in a measured and mature way that gives space and time for us to fully process our emotions. Remember, we need to be calm and collected before we can really repair.

4 expert-backed strategies to let go of this idea for better relationships.

OK, so you’ve gone to bed angry, taken some time to process your feelings, and are ready to move forward. Now what? Moali says we can take real intentional steps to help us move forward and tackle future relationship conflict with grace.

Have weekly emotional “temperature checks” on your relationship.

When we take time to actually check in with how we’re feeling, angry or not, we provide space for sharing with open hearts. “Set aside time to share your thoughts, emotions, and feedback—both positive and constructive,” Moali says. “This creates a regular space for communication, reducing the pressure to resolve everything immediately.”

Recognize that you are responsible for your emotional reactions.

This one might be a hard pill to swallow, but we’re actually responsible for how we react to things. “No one ‘makes’ you feel a certain way—your emotional response comes from your own interpretation of events,” Moali tells us. “The first step in conflict resolution is to self-regulate so that you’re within your window of tolerance and able to engage productively.” This means taking the time and measures you need to feel calm and centered before continuing towards conflict resolution.

What’s more, we should focus on the underlying emotions behind our anger. For instance, Moali says, we can focus on the hurt, fear, or longing—which allows your partner to empathize with our pain, rather than become defensive. This makes for more constructive conversations.

Get your coping mechanisms in order—and don’t be afraid to use them!

“If you’re too flooded to communicate effectively, take a pause—journal, go for a walk, practice breathing exercises—then return to the conversation within an agreed-upon timeframe,” Moali says. Make a list of all the things you do to calm down when you’re feeling activated, and employ those tools when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Understand and clarify your intentions.

Before engaging in a conversation, ask yourself: What do I even want here? Am I looking to vent and simply be heard? Do I want advice? Do I want my partner to do something specific? “Being clear about your needs helps guide the conversation toward resolution,” Moali tells us.

Never going to bed angry is a fun idea, but it simply isn’t realistic in all relationships. The verdict? Take a pause, go to bed, sleep on your feelings, and revisit the conversation when you’re both feeling more grounded. There’s nothing wrong with