7 Common Conflict Styles That Show Up in Relationships, According to Experts

Are you more of a competitor, aggressor, or avoidant? Find out here.

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Sure, you might know your love language—maybe it’s words of affirmation or acts of service. But what about fight languages for our conflict styles? While the five love languages have become a popular reference for describing how we give and receive affection, there’s no equally buzzy framework for understanding how we fight.

That’s not to say no one’s taken a stab at it—some authors and psychologists have explored similar ideas, like Lena Morgan in Fight Languages: Turn Conflict into Connection or Mark Travers, PhD, for Forbes—but no single set of relationship conflict styles has quite made its way into our modern romance lexicon the way love languages have.

Despite the lack of buzzy lingo, however, recognizing how you respond to tension is a valuable skill that can improve the way you connect with others, all the experts SELF spoke with agree. Whether you shut down, for instance, lash out, or dodge the conversation altogether, your go-to method reveals a whole lot about your communication habits—and, more importantly, what you can do to resolve issues more effectively (and with fewer misunderstandings).

To help you figure out your conflict style, SELF asked experts to break down a few common patterns they’ve seen in relationships. Read on to see which one(s) resonate with you most.

1. You reflect before reacting.

If your first instinct during any strained moment is to pause, take a breather, and think things through before responding, you might be a reflector. In this case, you probably “need time to introspect and may not be ready to engage immediately,” Christina Ni, MD, Los Angeles–based psychiatrist and National Interventional Psychiatry Medical Director at Mindpath Health, tells SELF. So you default to pausing—maybe by revisiting a conversation hours later or replying to a heated late-night text after some sleep. This gives you space to process and avoid saying things you don’t mean…but also may be frustrating for anyone who prefers diving into a resolution ASAP.

If this is you: To avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings, it helps to explicitly say you’re taking a breather rather than just going quiet (and unintentionally seeming distant). “Agree to take breaks and define roughly how long it’ll be,” Dr. Ni suggests. The timing is up to you, whether it’s 20 minutes to cool off or the rest of the night to make sense of your angry thoughts. The point is, being upfront lets the other person know you’re not ignoring them. That way, they’re more likely to feel reassured and give you the space you need to meaningfully reconnect.

2. You avoid any kind of tension.

People with this fighting style will do whatever it takes to avoid confrontation. Rather than speaking up when something’s bothering you, you tend to downplay the issue (“No really, I’m fine—let’s just drop it”) or shut the conversation with, “We’re not talking about this right now.” You may even deflect with a joke to lighten the mood. On the surface, being agreeable can seem like the chill, drama-free approach, but Dr. Ni explains that over time resentment is bound to build up when you’re pushing down your true thoughts and emotions.

If this is you: It’s worth remembering that conflict isn’t automatically a bad thing—in fact, working through the hard stuff can be a healthy way to deepen your connections. That’s why, if something is genuinely bothering you (maybe a friend’s passive-aggressive comment or your partner’s messiness), it deserves to be brought up.

Of course, learning to express yourself (even if it makes someone else uncomfortable) can be anxiety-inducing. But using “I” statements is an expert-approved tactic for communicating honestly without placing blame or hurting feelings. For example, “I was kind of upset when…,” “I would really appreciate it if…,” or “I need some reassurance on….”

3. You focus on keeping the other person happy.

People-pleasing can look pretty similar to avoiding confrontation—and to be fair, they share a common hatred for conflict and drama. But there’s a subtle difference between the two styles, according to Larry Schooler, PhD, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin.

“An avoidant style will decline to engage in any sort of meaningful communication about conflict,” Dr. Schooler tells SELF. But for you, it may not be that you fear disagreement and discomfort in general—it’s more that you don’t want to disappoint or upset the other person. Let’s say you bring up your partner’s flirting, and they get extra defensive. Where a more avoidant style might quickly drop the conversation (“Forget I even brought it up, it’s fine”), you might get overly apologetic or say you were wrong only to calm them down. Basically, you’re so focused on prioritizing somebody else (because you care so much!) that you’re unable to find a resolution that benefits both of you, not just them. Over time, these tendencies might keep the peace at the surface, but they often come at the expense of your own needs.

If this is you: Again, disagreeing with someone doesn’t mean they’ll suddenly hate you. So remind yourself that it’s okay to express yourself, Dr. Schooler says, even if it’s hard at first.

Another thing to think about, he adds, is what you’re conceding—and more importantly, why. Are you really okay with your SO texting their ex, or are you only pretending because you’re afraid they’ll break up with you otherwise? Does apologizing for bringing up a genuine issue seem fair, or are you only saying what you think they want to hear? A little self-reflection can teach you to prioritize yourself during moments of contention so you’re not automatically giving in every time.

4. You suppress…until you explode.

At first, you might try to hide any frustration or unhappiness, convincing yourself to keep your mouth shut and pretend everything’s fine. Deep down, however, a suppressor will find their emotions quietly building. “They say nothing, they pacify, they let it go,” Lisa Brateman, LCSW, New York City–based psychotherapist and author of What Are We Really Fighting About?, tells SELF. “Then, all of a sudden, they can’t handle it anymore and just rip.” This outburst—whether it’s snapping in anger or suddenly crying mid-argument—usually catches outsiders off-guard, leaving them wondering why you went from zero to a hundred.

If this is you: When you’re bottling up such strong emotions, it’s only a matter of time before they burst out—often in intense ways. To prevent this, the experts we spoke with agree that the answer is simple: It’s early, transparent communication—use those “I” statements to express your concerns before you reach that breaking point.

It also helps to get into the habit of accepting (not ignoring) negative emotions by writing down what’s ticking you off, as SELF previously reported, or channeling pent-up anger into something physical, like a cathartic rage run.

5. You confront others pretty aggressively.

You’re someone who isn’t afraid to face your issues head-on (“We need to talk about what happened, now”) or flat-out say you have a problem (“You’ve got some nerve talking about me behind my back.”)—but maybe your delivery isn’t always the most constructive or kind. According to Brateman, it’s more than simple bluntness—you might struggle to practice self-control or slow down to listen to others, even resorting to yelling or hurtful personal attacks you’ll later regret. (This may be because you’re feeling targeted or you just don’t have the proper communication skills to articulate what’s upsetting you.) As a result, though, “the other person will feel overwhelmed, intimated, and uncomfortable voicing their opinions around you,” Dr. Ni points out.

If this is you: “There’s a phrase, ‘I can’t hear you when you’re yelling at me,’” Brateman says—meaning, even the most logical message will get lost when you’re raising your voice or using mean words. So if this is your conflict language, it’s important to learn how to manage impulsive outbursts that’ll only damage your relationships. We’ve got some anger management strategies here, but a few quick tips include taking a step back to cool off before saying the first thing on your mind, Dr. Ni suggests, or practicing deep breathing exercises when you’re getting defensive. Active listening is also a skill worth honing (more on that here), so you’re not completely dominating the conversation.

6. You argue to “win.”

For you, a disagreement is like a debate or competition. You’re not just trying to find a compromise; you’re determined to come out on top or get exactly what you want. According to Dr. Schooler, this commonly shows up in customer service or other transactional scenarios: “Look, I’m not going to settle for anything less than a full refund and store credit,” or “If you don’t process this refund, I’m escalating this to your manager.”

In your personal relationships, this conflict language could also sound like veiled threats (“If you can’t see my side, we’re done with this conversation”). You might even try to pick apart their argument and bring your own receipts (“Actually, that’s not how it happened—I have the texts right here”). Sure, these may be effective ways to reach your goal—but fighting fair isn’t about “winning,” Dr. Schooler points out. It should be a cooperative effort so you’re both satisfied.

If this is you: Don’t think of disagreements as a competition or a direct slight you have to defend yourself against. Rather than trying to prove someone “wrong” or take their constructive criticisms personally, express your POV more compassionately and collaboratively, he suggests. For example, you might say, “It really bothers me when you cancel plans last minute,” rather than, “If you flake one more time, I’m not hanging out with you again.” And stay open to hearing their side too—it’s about finding common ground, not securing a victory.

7. You mediate to find a middle ground.

Your immediate reaction to any sort of tension is, “Okay, what’s the solution?” You’re probably the de-escalator in your friend group, Dr. Ni says—someone who aims to make everyone happy with logical, win-win compromises like, “Hey, I’ll watch the kids tonight if you watch them tomorrow,” or “I’ll do the dishes if you do the laundry.”

According to Dr. Schooler, “this is one of the more efficient ways to go into a conflict,” since it encompasses the necessary give-and-take of healthy dynamics. That said, there are some potential pitfalls to consider. In certain situations, this approach can feel a little transactional, he points out. Something like, “I’ll apologize for this if you apologize for that” can feel diminishing, as if you’re negotiating and not empathizing.

It’s also the case that not everyone wants a solution: If your friend is upset that you missed their birthday dinner, they may just need you to listen, validate their disappointment, and apologize—not negotiate by buying them an extravagant dinner or permitting them to skip your upcoming get-together.

If this is you: Aiming for the middle ground is a healthy approach, but it’s not always the most productive, depending on who you’re dealing with—especially if you have different conflict styles, Dr. Schooler says. So before going into tit-for-tat mode, take a second to figure out what the other person actually needs out of this conversation. And if you’re not sure? There’s no harm in asking directly.

No matter your conflict style, aligning early on about each other’s communication habits and preferences during disagreements can save you a ton of time and mental energy—not to mention make the interaction way more productive.