10 Tips for Navigating Friendship After a Baby

Babies have a habit of shaking up even the most foundational parts of life—including friendships. All of a sudden, your weekly wine dates are off, your Love Island binge-watches are out of sync, and you’re not texting ten times a day anymore. There might be an emotional disconnect, too—one of you has just had a life-altering experience, while the other is on the outside looking in. When it feels like so much has changed, how do you keep your friendship going strong?

The first thing to know is you’re not alone, and nothing’s gone wrong here. “It’s very common for friendships to shift after one friend has had a baby because the new [parent] has entered into a new phase of life,” Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, a friendship and relational health expert and author of The Friendship Bond, tells SELF.

The good news is that the friendship doesn’t have to shrivel up and die. It is going to have to evolve, though. “Relationships have to be fluid and dynamic, or else they’re going to break. Humans aren’t stagnant and static,” Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, a licensed counselor who works with individuals and families facing transitions, and professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at the Northern Illinois University College of Education, tells SELF. “The best friendships are those that [can] ride the waves.”

So one of our experts’ top tips for both the new parent and their BFF? Let the friendship look different, and give yourselves some time to find your groove again, Dr. Mills says. With that in mind, let’s get into some more specific tips for each party.

If you’re the one who just had a baby…

1. Treat connection as a necessity.

Sometimes new parents see socializing as a luxury. Sure, it might be nice, but between caring for your baby and other nonnegotiable responsibilities, it might not feel like a priority. In reality, “maintaining a social support network is one of the most important things anyone can do for their health,” Dr. Degges-White says, making connecting with friends a must for parents, too.

Of course, it’s normal to stay in a little cocoon with your newborn for the first couple of weeks, Dr. Degges-White says, but after that, “it’s good to get out.” Leaning on friendships and having engagements (even conversations!) outside your “baby bubble” can help manage stress, boost your mood, prevent isolation, and buffer against postpartum depression, Dr. Degges-White explains. Not to mention, “it actually makes you a better partner and parent when you have a chance to have some fun.”

2. Be honest about where you’re at.

It might be obvious to you that you’re not intentionally ignoring your friend’s texts; you’re just too fried to squeeze in a shower some days. But “being upfront and open” about how your capacity and priorities are different right now can reassure your friend it’s not about them, Dr. Degges-White says. “Let them know that you’re trying to manage a new way of life,” adds Dr. Mills. “Remind them that it’s not personal and you’ll be back, you just need some time.”

For instance, you might say something like, “I know I’ve been MIA lately, so I just want you to know it’s not you, it’s me! Parenting has me wiped, and some days I barely have time to wash my face. Still figuring it all out, but I miss you!” As Dr. Degges-White explains, “Even if they’re not a parent, they’re gonna understand that life changes.”

3. Invite them into your daily life.

If the prospect of showering, putting on real pants, and going out for sushi feels positively harrowing, keep your sweats on and rethink what hanging out looks like. Because it “doesn’t have to be overwhelming,” Dr. Mills says. Think about what would actually be easy for you right now, and embrace the convenient or low-key hang.

If you’re going grocery shopping, running errands, or taking the baby to a checkup, ask your pal to come along, Dr. Degges-White says. Or invite them to join you on your morning walk around the neighborhood or for a super quick coffee. “A little time is better than no time,” as Dr. Mills puts it.

4. Arrange baby-friendly meetups.

In an ideal world, you’d get regular baby-free hangs to unwind and stay connected to your identity outside of parenting, Dr. Degges-White says. But that’s not always realistic—or you might want to see friends more often than you can find childcare. In that case, “finding ways to include baby in the activities you do with your friends is a way to keep those friendships alive,” Dr. Degges-White says.

Of course, the idea of hauling your stroller into a cramped cafe or dealing with a shrieking baby at a girls’ lunch can be daunting for new parents. “There are some places you just feel uncomfortable,” Dr. Degges-White acknowledges. So take the lead and choose spots that are as low-stress as possible, Dr. Degges-White says. Your home or a park are two pretty safe go-to options, but don’t be afraid to talk to your pediatrician about what settings are safe based on factors like your child’s age and vaccination status.

5. Drop them a line.

When you just don’t have the bandwidth to chill, reaching out is a good way to let your friend know you care. Dr. Mills recommends sending a card or a short but sweet text or voice note. “Let them know specifics about why you appreciate their friendship,” Dr. Mills says, “or that you look forward to the days you can make new, fun memories again.” (Sending them a funny meme or TikTok that reminds you of them counts, too.)

If your friend just had a baby…

1. Don’t take it personally.

It might provide some consolation to remember that pretty much everyone in your BFF’s life is seeing less of them right now. In all likelihood, they’re probably so zeroed in on their baby’s needs that they don’t have much time for anyone else. “It’s not uncommon for the partner to even feel a little jealous,” Dr. Degges-White says.

And there may be some very real biological (not personal!) factors at play, too, especially if your friend gave birth. “Their [hormones] are telling them to bond with the baby, and if they’re chestfeeding, they may be tied to the baby every two hours,” Dr. Degges-White says. In other words? It’s not you, it’s baby.

2. Express interest and get involved.

Embracing this new part of your friend’s life pays off in a few ways. For one, it tells your friend that you care for them and want to be part of this chapter, Dr. Mills says. And two, it’s actually going to help you adapt to this new role your friend is inhabiting and lean into the changes the baby is bringing. So check in on how the baby is doing, encourage your friend to include the baby in plans, and ask about what kind of support they need from you as they navigate new parenthood.

You can also get involved in a hands-on way. Dr. Degges-White recommends proposing a combo of babysitting and catching up—something like, “How about I come watch the baby for an hour so you can get out of the house, and then when you get back, we can hang out for a bit?”

3. Be empathetic, flexible, and forgiving.

Putting yourself in your friend’s shoes can help you support them better—emotionally and practically. “Sometimes we have to practice our powers of empathy to understand what their lives may be like now,” Dr. Degges-White says. So be curious. Let them vent about what’s challenging. Be a good listener. Crack open a copy of What to Expect the First Year. Or, hell, “just let yourself imagine what it would be like to go from having eight hours of uninterrupted sleep to having to get up constantly,” Dr. Degges-White suggests.

Another huge way to show your bestie you get it? Be okay with the usual give-and-take of your friendship looking lopsided for a while. “When you have a baby, you don’t have a lot of flexibility in your life,” Dr. Degges-White says. Your friend could be juggling naps, feedings, and family responsibilities, so as much as possible, be the flexible one—come to them, work around their schedule, and cut them some slack. That means rolling with last-minute plan changes and not expecting fast replies. “Give [them] grace during this time, without too many demands or requirements of the friendship, at least for a little bit,” Dr. Mills says.

4. Spend more time with other friends.

No one can replace your friend. But if you’re feeling lonely, it’s okay—wise, actually—to get some of your emotional and social needs fulfilled by other relationships, whether by investing more in your current connections or making new friends. “Pursue people that you want to get to know and enjoy being with,” Dr. Mills recommends.

This is ultimately better for your relationship with your parent pal, too. Forging other friendships can relieve some of the pressure you might be inadvertently putting on the relationship by needing your friend to meet expectations they just can’t right now, Dr. Mills says.

5. Remember that change doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

The hectic newborn period doesn’t last forever (phew). But your friendship might also shift in a more durable way, even as their kid(s) gets older. And that’s okay! You might come to love seeing this different side of your friend or discover that the original bond that brought you together actually deepens during this new chapter. “It might look different,” Dr. Mills says, “but the friendship is still founded on what was in place before the baby arrived.”

Dr. Degges-White likes thinking about friendships like a long-term market investment or a committed marriage: You ride out the ups and downs—instead of freaking out or bailing—because you’re in it for the long haul. “Y’all share a history together, and you care about each other,” Dr. Degges-White says. “A friendship that’s built on time invested isn’t going to crumble just because this new thing happened.”